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It's Always Courtney, Courtney, Courtney!/Script
Caitlin, and Wyatt are inside El Sporto's. A waitress sets a bowl of nachos on the table. Waitress: "One Kitchen Sink Nachos. Knock yourselves out." Nikki: "I think you are my favorite person in the whole world." Waitress: "That's real nice, honey. Know what'd be nicer? A big tip." leaves. The three dig in as Jen walks up. Jen: "Hey guys. What's up?" crams several bites of nachos into her mouth. Nikki: "Not much, Jaws." Caitlin: "Is everything okay?" Jen: "It was, until she came back." Nikki: "Uh oh. Courtney's back in town?" Wyatt: Caitlin "Jen's older sister." Jen: "Make that Jen's prettier, does everything better than me, everyone loves her more older sister." Wyatt: "You're just as pretty as she is." Jen: "When was the last time you saw her?" Wyatt: "Maybe when I was twelve." Jen: "Trust me. She's prettier." Caitlin: "How come I haven't met her?" Jen: "She's been away at–" air quotes "–university." Nikki: "Doesn't she usually go skiing for Spring Break?" Jen: "Apparently, all her fabulous friends with chalets are sick, so she's here, just dying to ruin my life!" Jonesy: offscreen "He's right behind us, dude!" and Jude run into the restaurant. Jude: "Dive, dive!" hide under their friends' table. Ron rushes in. Ron: "Yo!" to a stop "Okay, which way did those punks go?" Wyatt: flatly "Who?" Ron: "Don't play games with me, maggot. I saw them come this way." Caitlin: giggling "What's that stuff all over your face?" Ron: "Those two covered my walkie with shoe polish. When I get through with them, they'll wish they were never born." the table, Jude and Jonesy giggle. Nikki: Jonesy "Ssh!" Jonesy: "Ow!" Ron: "What was that?" Nikki: "Uh, what was what, sir?" Ron: "I distinctly heard a noise." Jen: "I didn't hear anything." shifts and bumps into Caitlin. Caitlin: "Ow!" turns to her. "Did you mean, a noise like that? I heard it too. And it's really annoying." Wyatt: "I'd wash that shoe polish off, or it might stain your face." Ron: "What did you say, scum?" Wyatt: cowed "It's just an opinion." accepting this, leaves the restaurant. Jude and Jonesy crawl out from underneath the table. Jonesy: laughing "Did you see his face?" Jude: "Dude." Jonesy: "Jude." bump fists. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''It's Always Courtney, Courtney, Courtney!' ---- ''teens walk through the mall. Jen: agitated "I can't help it, she makes me crazy!" Nikki: Jude and Jonesy "Big sis is back for the week." Jonesy: gasping "Hot babysitter Courtney's back?" sighs. "Ahh." Jude: "Dude. She is so hot." Jonesy: "We used to beg our parents to call her. I think I even chipped in my allowance once!" Wyatt: "Remember the white jean jacket?" Jonesy: "With the tight ripped jeans?" Jude: "Dude..." Jen: annoyed "Oh yeah. Today's gonna be fun. I'm just gonna have to face the fact that as soon as she gets here, I'm gonna lose all of my friends." Nikki: "No you're not. You're our friend." Caitlin: "Best friends! She could never replace you." Jonesy: "Right. Who cares if she's hot?" Courtney: offscreen "Hi." guys stop and gasp. Courtney is incredibly hot. Jonesy: shocked "Who's your daddy." Jude: stunned "Hello..." Courtney: "I'm Courtney." guys gaze at Jen's big sister lustfully. Jen: "Great." sighs. ---- gang and Courtney have moved to the Big Squeeze. Courtney: "So, since Tiffany was sick, and Brandi's beach house was being renovated, I just came back home." Jonesy: "Well I for one, am glad you did." Jude: "I think you're really hot." rolls her eyes. Caitlin: annoyed "Men." Courtney: "This town is kinda beat, but we can still have some fun, right Flash?" Jonesy: "Flash?" looks shocked. Wyatt: "Oh, there's a story here." Jen: "Don't you dare tell them, Courtney!" Courtney: "Okay, okay! Just a nickname Jen picked up when she was little. So, what's everybody doing today?" Jen: "We have to work, remember?" Jonesy: "Whoa! I'm gonna be late for my new job! Dudes, why don't you come check out my new gig? C'mon!" shoves his male friends. Wyatt: "Okay, fine." Jude: "Alright, alright." Courtney: "Bye, boys." Wyatt: "Bye." Jude: "Later." Jonesy: "See you, beautiful." leave. Courtney: "Can you believe how long it's been since I've been to this little mall, Flash?" Jen: growling "I'm going to work. See you later." leaves. Courtney: "What about you two? Wanna hang out?" Nikki: "Huh? I think I hear the Clones calling. The low-slung cords just came in." Courtney: "You work at the Khaki Barn? I'' used to work there! Maybe I'll drop by later." '''Nikki:' shrugging "It's a free world." leaves. Courtney: "Okay. I guess it's just you and me." Caitlin: nervously "Looks like." ---- and Jen pass by the pharmacy. Jen: "She always does this! Just waltzes in and steals all my friends." Nikki: "Well, maybe she was just being friendly. She could've changed." Jen: "Do you even remember Jeremy?" Nikki: "The guy from tennis camp?" Jen: "Uh-huh. She stole him from me! He kissed me, and then she stole him! Because she had bigger boobs!" notices that people are staring and stops talking. Nikki: "Oh yeah. Uch. What a skeeze he was." Jen: "And Samantha! My best friend in Grade Two? She stole her too!" Nikki: skeptical "Okay, okay, how could she steal a best friend?" Jen: "She had way better Barbies!" gasps. "Do you see what's happening?" paranoid "She's already got you defending her!" Nikki: "I'm not! But you have to deal with her. Sisters don't just go away." Jen: "Unfortunately." Nikki: "Don't worry! We're not going anywhere. No matter how many Barbies she has." Jen: relieved "I guess you're right. I don't need to worry about you guys." ---- new job is at a photography place. Wyatt and Jude are playing with the costumes. Jude: a horned helmet "Check it out, dudes, I'm a Viking!" Wyatt: a cowboy hat "Grab some sky, Viking." Jude: "Kiss my axe, cowboy!" Jonesy: over to them "If you two losers are finished, can we talk about something important? Like, how hot is Jen's sister!" Wyatt: "She is outstanding, dude! I mean, I remember her being cute, but–" Jude: "Let me try to put it into words. AAAAHHH-HAAAA! FIRE, DUDES! Sss!" guys laugh. Wyatt: down "I love older women." Jude: "Me too. There's something cool about knowing that she used to tuck me into bed in my Underoos." Jonesy: "Oh yeah. We were just dumb kids." Wyatt: "And now we're men of the world. I've had my heart broken–" Jonesy: "I've gone on a date with Nikki–" Jude: "I've thrown up in my girlfriend's mouth–" Jonesy: "Yep, I guess we've all been through the fire and can truly call ourselves men." farts. "Ah, dude!" Wyatt: "Sick!" Jude: "Sorry. Kin-kinda snuck up on me." three cough in the fumes. Jonesy's phone rings. Jude: "Aren't you gonna answer it?" Jonesy: "No way! It's probably that Lydia chick." Wyatt: "The one from Battery Stop?" Jonesy: "Yeah. She's hot and all, but she's way too clingy." Wyatt: "Like how?" Jonesy: "Like she's been calling me ten times a day! Showing up everywhere I go!" store phone rings, and Jonesy heads off to answer it. "Yello, Glitter Shots. We put you in the picture and dress you up funny." Lydia: "Hi Jonesy! It's me!" Jonesy: the receiver "It's her!" and Wyatt gape. "Uh, Lydia, hi! How are you?" Lydia: "I'm great! I just wish I could see you right now." Jonesy: uncomfortable "I wish I could see you too." Lydia: "Your wish–" doubled "–is my command." Jonesy: "Huh?" Lydia: him "Hi!" Jonesy: shocked "Guh, Lydia! Nice to see you." Lydia: "Oh, I missed you so much!" pulls him into a hug. "Every minute we're apart is an eternity." Jonesy: himself "Yeah. Right. Um, so I'd love to hang out, but uh–" Wyatt: "Ahem." is dressed as a knight, with Jude as his princess. "Can we speed this up, son? My wife and I have been waiting for fifteen minutes for our picture." Jude: a falsetto "That's right. Hurry up." Jonesy: "Right with you!" Lydia "Sorry, I have to get back to work. You know how it is." Lydia: "Yeah, you're dedicated to your art." Jonesy: "Well ah–I don't know if I'd call it art." Lydia: "Well, I'll see you later! And dream about you until then!" kisses Jonesy's cheek and leaves. Jonesy: relievedly "Thanks guys, you rock." Jude: a falsetto "Anytime, dude." ---- has just made a sale at her job. Jen: "Thanks for shopping at the Penalty Box. Have a good day!" Coach Halder: "Good work, Masterson. That's a new sales record! MVP all the way." Jen: "Thanks Coach! I do my best." picks a basketball up off the counter and turns around only to encounter Caitlin and her sister. Caitlin: "Jen! I had no idea your sister was so cool!" gets a thousand-yard stare. "She took me to the best shops." Courtney: "Don't be so modest. You have an eye for halter tops that blows my mind." Caitlin: "I do? Really?" Jen: shellshocked "It's all happening again." Courtney: "So this is where you work! I could never work here, it smells like gym socks. But it totally suits you. You even get to dress like a guy." Jen: "It's a referee's uniform, for your information." Courtney: Caitlin "The joke in our family was that Jen was the brother we never had." Jen: "I like sports, so what?" Courtney: "Oh, don't get me wrong, sports are cool." grabs the basketball from Jen and tosses it through a hoop. Caitlin: amazed "Wow." Courtney: "I was on the team that won the city championship." Jen "But your team's good too. Didn't you get to the quarters?" Jen: irritated "Semis." Courtney: "Right." leaving "C'mon Cait, let's hit the Khaki Barn!" Caitlin: clapping "Okay!" at Jen "Unless...you want...me to stay?" Jen: "No, go." Courtney: they leave "Catch you later, Flash." Jen picks up the basketball and attempts to dunk it. She breaks the hoop. Coach Halder: the hoop break "Wha-bup-alright, that's coming out of your salary, Masterson!" ---- is now manning the cash register at Glitter Shots. Beside him is Pokey the Panda. Lydia: "So, you don't know when he'll be back?" Jude: "No, he went out and said specifically to tell you he didn't know when he was gonna be back?" Lydia: "Hmm. Well, give him this gift for me." rifles through her purse. Jude: "What is it?" Lydia: "It's an anatomically accurate life-size sculpture of my heart! I did it from an MRI I had last year." and Pokey glance at each other. "I would've made a model of my soul to go with it, but–it's invisible to Magnetic Resonance Imaging." hands the heart to Jude and walks out. As soon as she's gone, Pokey removes his head, revealing himself as Jonesy. Jude: "Dude, that is one freaky chick." tosses the heart to Jonesy. Jonesy: "Welcome to my nightmare." ---- is folding clothes at the Khaki Barn when Caitlin comes up to her. Caitlin: "Hey Nikki!" Nikki: "Hey, what's up?" Caitlin: "Courtney convinced me to take the day off to shop." Nikki: "Aren't you gonna get in trouble?" Caitlin: "Maybe, but she's a color genius." creeps up to the door of the Khaki Barn with a headset on and looks in. Nikki: "Where's our friend Jen?" Caitlin: "She had to stay at work. Ooh! The new hoodies have arrived!" rushes off to look at the display. Courtney sidles up to Nikki. Courtney: "So, Jen really admires you, you know." Nikki: "She is my best friend." Jen: next to them "That's right! And I'm her best friend! And no amount of boobs is going to change that!" Kirsten: "Wow, that girl's so pretty! How come I don't know her?" Nikki: in a random direction "Look, isn't that Avril Lavgine?" Kristen: "Omigosh, where?" Kristen and Kirsten: "EEE!" two clones rush off to try and find the celebrity. Courtney: "It must be hard for you, working here." Nikki: "What do you mean?" Courtney: "Well you know, the Khaki Barn employs child labor in India." Nikki: "Uch, yeah, it's disgusting." Courtney: "That's what I think is so cool about you. You're working from within the system to change things." Nikki: "Yeah well, I try to sell as little as humanly possible." Jen: "Oh, please! Can't you see she's playing you?" Coach Halder: her headset "Masterson! We need a price check on tube socks! Stat!" Courtney: "Oop, sounds like they need you at work." Jen: "Uch, fine! Just remember who your friends are." storms out of the store. Courtney: "Well that was dramatic. We're going for a coffee. When do you get off? I could give you some tips on how to keep your sales down." Nikki: "I kind of make my own hours. Cait, you coming?" Caitlin: "Wait for me!" follows them out with some new purchases. ---- Wyatt, Jude, Nikki, and Jonesy have met up with Courtney inside Grind Me. Courtney: a story "...and that's when Flash fell into this huge pile of dog poo! She got it all over her dress." on cue, the teens laugh. Jude: "You're really funny. And hot." Wyatt: a recently-arrived Jen "Hey, Jen! I hear your cousin's wedding was a real stinker!" Jen: shocked "You told them the dog poo story?" Courtney: "They dragged it out of me." Jonesy: a sombrero and fake mustache "And the Flash story! So you used to run around the backyard naked, huh? Do you ever still do that?" growls. Jen: "I can't believe this is happening." Wyatt: "Relax, Flash, we've all had embarrassing moments." Jen: "Don't call me Flash!!!" by this outburst, Wyatt spills his coffee on his crotch. Wyatt: "Aah!" Courtney: "So, Jonesy, what's with the outfit?" Jonesy: "I'm incognito." gasps and ducks his head. Lydia: "Has anyone seen Jonesy?" is holding a Cubist portrait of Jonesy. "I have a present for him." Courtney: "I think I saw him at the arcade. He was looking for you." Lydia: "Really? Thanks!" scurries out of the store. Jonesy: again "Ah. How can I ever repay you?" Courtney: "I know! Let's all get our pictures taken together at Jonesy's store!" Jonesy: "Not what I had in mind, but that could be fun too." Jude: "Sounds good, let's roll." get up. Courtney: "Coming, Flash?" Jen: "I knew it. It happens every time." ---- seven are decked out in various costumes. Courtney: "Alright. I'm the warrior queen, Jonesy, you and Jude are my war chiefs–you stand beside me–" Jude: "Wicked." Jonesy: "All right!" Courtney: "Nikki, you're my trusty sidekick. Wyatt, you're my scribe." Wyatt: "Cool." Nikki: with a sword "Oh, I like this. Can I borrow it?" Caitlin: "What about me?" Courtney: "You're the princess. And Flash?" Jen: "Jen. My name is Jen." Courtney: "Sorry. Jen. You get to be the evil swamp hag." Jen: "No way." Courtney: "Come on, it'll be fun." Jen: "Forget it! I am not your evil swamp hag!" Courtney: "Why are you being such a baby?" Jen: "I am not being a baby! I just don't want to be the evil swamp hag, okay!" friends look at her, the situation made awkward by her sudden outburst. Jen rolls her eyes. Jen: "Fine. Just give me the costume." ---- the picture is taken. Jen lies on the ground, trampled underfoot by Courtney, who has taken her friends along for the ride. Wyatt: "That's a great picture." Caitlin: "Jen, the look on your face is priceless!" Jude: "Yeah, you really look like you wanna kill Queen Courtney." laughs. Jen: "Acting's all about motivation." Courtney: "I have an idea. Let's go to X-S!" Nikki: "The dance club?" Courtney: "It just opened. I hear it's hot." Jude: "Dude, I heard the bouncers there were all 6-foot-4 ex-wrestlers." Jen: "Yeah, and we don't have ID. We're sixteen, remember?!?" Courtney: "Are you guys gonna let a little thing like ID stop you?" Jonesy, Caitlin, Jude, Nikki, Wyatt, and Jen: "Hmm..." Courtney: "So uncreative for youngsters. Come on. Courtney's gonna teach you all a little trick." ---- follows is a montage where all six teens get their pictures taken. Courtney then puts the pictures into the computer, and has soon enough made fake IDs for all of them. Courtney: "Voila! You're all officially 21." Jonesy: "That is the coolest thing I have ever seen a girl do!" Courtney: Jen "You know, if you keep scowling like that, you're gonna get old." growls. Caitlin: "Wow! I really look twenty-one!" Jude: "Hey, awesome!" worried "Hey, what if we get caught?" Courtney: "I thought you were the chilled out one." Jude: "Alright, okay, it's chill, I am chill." Courtney: "Cool. Then let's go shake some booty." Jonesy: "Cool." but Jen moves to leave, cheering. Before Courtney can get past, Jen grabs her arm. Jen: "Court, this has got to stop. You could get them in real trouble." Courtney: "Relax, it'll be fun. You know, 'fun'?" Jen: "Oh, I know how to have fun, but not by sneaking into a bar!" Courtney: "You're just jealous that they like me better than you." leaves. Jen: "Uch! That's it. She might be prettier, and hotter, and cooler, but she's not funner!" about the phrase "More fun. AAAAH!" ---- huge crowd is outside Club X-S. Courtney waits with all of the teens–except Jen. A teenager passes them and heads for the door to the club, but the bouncer blocks his way. Tattoo Muscle Guy: "No ID, no entry." Teen: "Musta...left it in my other pants?" a word, the bouncer picks up the unfortunate boy, folds him up, and puts him into a trash can. Jude: "Whoa! Told you, bro! That dude could crush you like a can!" Wyatt: "Maybe we should come back when we're thirty, just to be safe." Jonesy: "I don't know about you guys, but I'm going in." heads for the door and flashes his ID at the bouncer, who lets him in. Once inside, Jonesy waves his friends towards the bar. Wyatt: "It worked! C'mon, guys!" other five head into the club. However, someone is watching them through binoculars. Ron: "Finally. I've got those maggots right where I want them." ---- five teens and Courtney are chilling at one side of the club. Jude: "Dude, this place is awesome!" Wyatt: "Sick sound system!" ---- the club, Darth is being held upside-down by the bouncer. Soon, though, the bouncer is distracted by a redhead in a short, tight pink dress. She flashes her ID, and he waves her into the club. ---- and Courtney are dancing in the club. Caitlin: "This is so fun! Hey, where's Jen?" Courtney: "Probably at home with Mom. She's about as much fun as a math quiz." ---- redhead in the pink dress walks through the club. She comes upon the five teens, and Jonesy drops his drink in shock. Jonesy: "No way! Jen?" Courtney: "Hey, that's my dress!" Jude: "Whoa. You're hot." Jen: "So you don't think I'm fun enough, huh? Well how fun is this!" begins to dance, and her friends cheer. After a few seconds, however, the straps holding up her dress break, and Jen is left topless, although she doesn't immediately notice it. Caitlin: "Jen? Your dress–is kind of–not there." stops dancing, looks at her bare chest, screams, and runs into a restroom. Caitlin: sympathetic "Poor Jen! This is so embarrassing!" Courtney: laughing "It's even better than the time she fell in the poop!" Caitlin: shocked "How can you be so mean? She's your sister!" Courtney: "Oh come on, it was funny!" Nikki: angry "I'll go see if she's all right." bumps into Ron. Ron: "Nobody's going anywhere." bouncer grabs the back of Jude's shirt. Jude: "Uh-oh." bouncer picks him up. Courtney: out her ID "Officer, I'm not with these kids." Ron: it over "Your papers seem to be in order." the others "You're all coming with me until the police arrive to arrest you." Caitlin: desperate "But I'm really twenty-one! She's my friend, ask her!" Ron: "Can it, lemon girl." rushes back out just in time to see her friends being taken away. Courtney: "Hey Flash, you fixed my dress." Jen: "Some friend you are." Courtney: "They aren't really my friends. They're yours." Jen: "Oh no." Courtney "They're our friends now." hauls Courtney away. Courtney: "Hey!" ---- is lecturing Courtney as she drags her sister through the mall. Jen: "...and being a friend comes with a certain amount of responsibility!" Courtney: "Listen to you! Always Mom and Dad's little star." Jen: "Are you kidding me?!? All they ever talk about is how proud of you they are! Winning that stupid beauty pageant! Being in university! It's always Courtney, Courtney, Courtney!" Courtney: "Yeah well that's all gonna change." Jen: "What do you mean?" Courtney: "I'm not home because it's Spring Break, Jen. I'm home because they kicked me out of school." gapes. Jen: "So you flunked out?" overjoyed "That's awesome!" realizing "I mean, y'know, you're not perfect. After all." Courtney: "I never was! You're the one they're proud of. You work so hard, and now you have these great friends? I'm the one who's jealous of you!" Jen: "Really?" Courtney: "Swear. So, are we friends again?" Jen: sighing "Yeah. But I'm still mad at you for stealing that guy from me." Courtney: "Well now that everyone knows you have boobs of your own, that shouldn't be a problem." hug. "Love ya." Jen: "Love you too." serious "Okay. The gang's in trouble. What're we gonna do?" Courtney: "I always have a backup plan." ---- five have been thrown in mall jail. Jude rattles a tin cup against the cell bars until Nikki takes it away from him. Jude: "Dude, this is like harshing on my mellow." Ron: "Your whining won't get you anywhere with me, son." Nikki: "You can't keep us here." Jonesy: "I demand my phone call." Jude: "Ooh, good call! Order a pizza." Ron: up "No phone calls until you're officially under arrest. No, for these next few minutes, you're all mine. And I'm going to savor them. Like the smell of a jungle foxhole at dawn." inhales. "Jungley. And foxy. With a touch of hole." hand taps him on the shoulder. Courtney: "We've come to get our friends." Ron: "Nothing–" gasps, as do those in the cell. Jen has found a picture of Ron in a mankini. Courtney: "This would make a great promo poster for the store, don't you think, Jonesy?" Jonesy: on "Heck yeah!" Ron: worried "You'll give me the photo if I let them go?" Jen: "Clear their records, and it's yours." rushes over and opens the cell door. Ron: "Out. All of you." Jude: up the tin cup "Sweet. Can I keep this as a souvenir?" Ron: "Out. SOLDIER!" drops the cup and gets out of the cell. Courtney: "Pleasure doing business with you." and her sister turn to go. Jen: "Never mess with the Masterson sisters!" Courtney "Where did you get that?" Courtney: "I found it in the back files at Glitter Shots." ---- gang are sitting around the table. Courtney is nowhere to be seen. Wyatt: "Yep, I don't think that rent-a-cop'll be bugging us for a while." Caitlin: "I can't believe I almost got arrested! Again!" Jude: "So where's the freaky chick, dude?" Jonesy: "I let her down easy. She had a severe case of Jonesyitis." suddenly appears behind Jonesy. Lydia: "Jonesy! Where have you been?" Jonesy: "Uh, I broke up with you, remember?" Lydia: "That doesn't mean we can't still go out!" Jonesy: "Actually, it does." Lydia: "Let's have our picture taken together!" Jonesy: "Let me think about that. Mmm...no. Plus, I got fired from the picture place. They found the fake ID files." Lydia: "C'mon. It'd be really romantic." Nikki: up "Okay, that's enough." Lydia: "Who're you?" Jonesy: his arms around Nikki "She's my new girlfriend." Lydia: "Girlfriend?" Nikki: "Girlfriend?" Jonesy: "Uh–" Nikki: "Oh, yeah. I-I'm his girlfriend. He's my man." nods. Lydia: "You two don't look like a couple." Jonesy: "We are. We go for walks, we uh, eat things together, and we um, we uh–" pulls Jonesy into a passionate liplock. When she finishes, she drops him. Nikki: "There. Now do you get the picture?" Lydia: "You don't have to be rude about it." walks off in a huff. Jonesy: discombobulated "Nikki, I–you–wanna go out to–food–with me–dinner?" Nikki: "I'll think about it." pushes him over, and Jonesy collapses with a sigh. Jude: "Whoa. I think there's a lot about chicks that I don't understand." Wyatt: "Got that right." Category:Season 1